Circle of Trust

Given that three friends I care about are struggling with loss this month, it was timely to discover an op-ed piece about supporting someone who is terminally ill or bereaved. The author, a sort of Miss Manners with a clinical psychology degree, has developed a simple method of making sure you never, ever say the wrong thing to a friend in serious crisis. Because we want to show kindness, of course, at such a time. And we may fret deeply about putting our foot in our mouth, instead of our arms around our friend’s shoulders.

Susan Silk calls her method the “Ring Theory.” And it really is very simple. You draw a bull’s-eye pattern. In the centre circle you put the person who’s got cancer or just lost her sister or has been badly injured in an accident. You place yourself in one of the surrounding rings according to how close you are to her inner circle. Maybe your position is just one step away from her spouse; maybe you float like a satellite in the distant periphery.

From there you follow a simple formula. You direct only words of comfort towards the centre – that is, towards the person in the middle and all those who are in circles more interior than yours. And then all your emotional baggage – your terror, your self-pity, your sense of loss, your deep-seated ickiness over the sight of blood and mutilation – is allowed to flow only in the other direction, towards the outer rings, the hangouts of people less close.

I love Susan’s invention (which, incidentally, was spurred at least in part by a colleague who said “this isn’t about you” when she was banned from visiting after Susan’s breast cancer surgery). “Comfort in, dump out” is Susan’s motto. The Ring Theory helps address an age-old awkwardness, and will most certainly soothe the people most in need of support.

That’s all we want to do, after all, is soothe. We love our friends. And besides, who enjoys the taste of shoelaces? Blerg.

Gift Tag, You’re It

If you’re into social networking, and if you happen to be someone who celebrates the new year, you may have recently spied a Facebook message called “2013 Pay It Forward.” It goes like this: “The first 5 people who respond to my post on Facebook will receive something from me in 2013 – a gift, a book, something crafty, some baked goods. It will hit when the mood strikes and will be a surprise. These 5 people must also post this on their Facebook page, and do the same for 5 people.”

Talk about a blast. Who wouldn’t want a mystery gift? Why do you think those magazine subscription campaigns are so enticing? We don’t actually need the ginsu knives or the tote bags, we just enjoy getting presents.

According to CEO Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook now has over a billion active users. Just imagine if everyone jumped on this particular benevolence bandwagon. I can’t even do the math, but I know there’d be a heck of lot of homemade brownies and embroidered bookmarks flying back and forth through the postal service.

Speaking as someone who, out of the blue in November, received two gorgeous, original miniature oil paintings in the mail (Anna, you’re a star!), I can vouch for the fact that it’s big-time fun. But all the same, I’m not signing up for this new pyramid present scheme. Call me old-fashioned, but I’m with Miss Manners on this. A gift should never be something one expects or is obligated to give.

Impulse giving, on the other hand? Good, good times.

Remember when Ramona Quimby was told to sit here for the present?

Lace Up

Happy 2013! If you live in northeast Calgary and enjoy sports of the snow-and-ice variety, here’s an easy good deed to get your year started. Give a guy a break and go skating on the spanking-new, three-acre public rink in his yard near McKnight and 84th Street. Norm Price spent hours designing and building this labour of love, only to have no one show up. We’re not asking much on your part. You’ll pay no admission fees, maybe score a free and steaming hot chocolate if you’re lucky, then do a few figure-eights on the ice – and let Norm know his goodwill hasn’t been wasted.

My True Love Gave to Me WHAT?

And here you thought the 12 days of Christmas were reserved for swimming swans and pipers piping. Galt Toys, a U.K.-based educational toy company, is holding a good deeds contest and calling it their “12 Days of Christmas Kindness Competition.” The winner gets 200 pounds – that’s British currency, not holiday-cookie weight – to spend on an online toy shopping spree.

How do you enter? First, commit an act of kindness. You know how to take care of this step on your own. Next, announce your good deed to Galt Toys on Twitter (@Galttoys), by email (galttoyscomps@gmail.com) or on Facebook.

Other people have already joined in the competition, a quick scan of the Facebook page confirms. Zoe and her daughter bought coffee and a sandwich for a homeless man. Amarjit writes: “A woman was struggling to carry her child’s pushchair up some stairs and l carryed [sic] it for her.” Rachel reports: My good deed was today helping our elderly neighbour change his tyre.” (Of course I’m quoting directly here. I don’t often get a chance to repeat words like “tyres” and “pushchairs.”)

It’s not too late for you to sign up, too. The contest closes at midday tomorrow (which is approximately breakfast time, for those of us in North America). Go do your deed, spread the word on Galt, and maybe win lots of British playthings.

Baby not included. Sorry.

You’re Loved by Lindsay

Imagine writing inspired and ever-original messages of amour. More than a thousand different times. To people whose names you don’t even know.

Over the past eight years, artist and writer Lindsay Zier-Vogel has composed and then hidden 1,100 love poems in various odd places, like inside library books, phone booths and cherry bins. She leaves them for strangers to find.

She has no way of knowing who has discovered her sweet sentiments, and what it’s meant to them. Has it made them smile? Laugh? Gaze into the distance and weep with happiness?

“Potential excites me like nothing else,” she declares in a recent article. As for me, I can’t say I’ve ever found anything unexpected while browsing for books or shopping for fruit – except, perhaps, a startled wasp. But if I ever come across one of Lindsay’s poems, I’ll count myself lucky. If there’s love going around, I don’t mind catching a little bit of it.

High on Fives

For most of the kids in my community, today is the first day back to school. High five.

For those moms and dads who spent all summer entertaining the offspring, you made it through. High five.

Doesn’t that feel pretty great? Maybe that’s why Steve Gillon of Hamilton, Ontario, is passing out free palm-slaps. It’s a way of drawing attention to his pet causes, heart disease and cancer – both leading removers of beloved people, including his Nana Franny, his Poppa Fred and his Uncle Mike. Our sympathies, Steve.

Steve has already raised several thousand dollars for medical and other charities, and is determined to keep it up. He’s filmed a video, launched a website (appointing himself the Founder-slash-Dude), and is set to sell T-shirts with such catchy slogans as “Heart Disease is a Dick.” (If you agree, you can place your pre-order here.)

Thanks to determined founder-dudes like Steve, we can continue the fight against heart disease and cancer.

High five to that. Now don’t leave me hanging.

Turn Around, Bright Eyes

If you happen to live near Prince Edward Island (and you’re not prone to vertigo), you may have taken this weekend’s opportunity to visit the region’s first-ever rotating house. The 5,000-square-foot dwelling shaped roughly like a Boston cream doughnut is currently under construction in North Rustico.

It’s designed to turn one full rotation every 45 minutes. That means no matter what room you’re in, if you stay there long enough, you’ll have a beautiful ocean view. (Note to guests: Bring reading material into the bathroom.)

The house is a compelling sight to passing strangers. So homeowners Steve and Stephanie Arnold decided to open their partially-finished doors to the public on Saturday, for a modest $5 per person. They threw in music and a barbecue for a real warm neighbourhood get-together.

All money raised was directed to their community’s fire department, to help purchase a rescue truck. Which means that any neighbours who supported the cause were also helping themselves. And they only had to get a little dizzy to do it.

Things that make you go hmmm: Looky what I found in my fortune cookie…

Fair Trade

Want to commit an act of kindness… the quirky way? Check out your local Craiglist, if you have one. See a section under “For Sale” titled “Barter”?

This is where folks go to post or find listings that involve swapping. You do a favour for me, and right back atcha. Often, people are simply looking to trade merchandise. (“I have an engraved fountain pen, do you have baseball tickets?”) But sometimes these posters are looking for something a little more… intangible.

One week, I found a request so strange that I saved it. Wasn’t sure why. But now I know it’s because it was destined to be shared with all of you. I swear I haven’t altered Greg’s oddball and slightly unsettling query in any way:

Hi my name is Greg and I have a problem. I need to lose 20lbs by March. I need someone to chase me around the street so that i get my butt in gear and lose my weight. I have a phobia of people chasing me, so i figure that sitting on the couch and playing PS3 isnt going to help me lose the weight. I know this is an odd request, but i think its the only way I will be able to go to Mexico with a beach body. I dont know what i will trade, but i could offer the borrowing of my PS3 for a week or so or real estate services.

The very same week, I found this one:

Crazy idea? I am sick of all my furniture and want new or different furnishings. Maybe you’re sick of your stuff to and want to trade? Maybe just a few pieces? Or maybe you are an aspiring interior designer who wants to practice decorating a whole house and willing to take my stuff as trade?

…Would I lie to you?

I’m rather attached to my furnishings, and I have no compulsion to run after people. So I haven’t responded to either ad. But it’s still fun – and it’s Friday – so go, look right now, and tell me what you find. If someone wants a few grammar lessons in exchange for de-weeding my lawn or re-caulking my tub, I am so there.

What a Trip

The dismissal bell has barely stopped vibrating, but many of us are in full vacation mode already. Not me – I have a few more deadlines to meet before I can hit the power-off switch on my ’puter. But lots of folks are leaving this weekend for cottage country, beach bonanzas or farm fiestas.

Last summer, a friend of mine wrote to let me know that she’d developed a new good-deed habit on her frequent travels through the Canadian Rockies. It began because she often stops at lookout points to take photos. “I started to offer to take pictures of families (with their cameras), so they have an impromptu family picture of their trip,” she said. In return, the response was pretty appreciative: “Their delight in having a group shot has got me to keep offering the picture taking.”

In August I wrote about the handsome young Jones boys, who collected toys and gifts leading up to their holiday to Jamaica, and then donated the whole whack of goods to a children’s home there.

Summer-vacation acts of sweetness can be small, like slathering a pal with sunscreen on those hard-to-reach shoulders, or helping a child find a beach shell. Or they can be big-time, like volunteering at a camp for underprivileged kids.

What are your ideas for good deeds you can do on vacation? I’d love to hear them. (And then, can you do my shoulders?)

Google Earth

A colleague on Facebook posted a graphic the other day. As we all know, graphics on Facebook fall into one of several categories: they’re funny, they’re sappy, or they’re of cats in peculiar poses with pigeon-English captions (“kitteh can has cheezburger”).

The fourth category is thought-provoking. The graphic my friend posted belongs here, sort of. It’s titled “Grammar Matters,” and it displays the most popular searches that start with “how can u” (“how can u get herpes” tops the list, followed by numerous other diseases transmitted by the most intimate of contact). This is compared to the most common searches starting with “how can an individual.” Results include “how can an individual impact the course of history,” “how can an individual make a difference” and “how can an individual affect society.”

The inference is that those who use the grammatically proper “an individual” in place of the shorthand non-word “u” have higher aspirations. Or at the very least, their worldly learning is not limited to safe bedroom practices.

Since I don’t believe anything I read online, I tried out this experiment on my own. I got similar results. Then I tried something else. I began a search with “how can we.”

Want to guess the top four results? I got “how can we stop global warming,” “how can we help the environment,” “how can we save water” and “how can we stop bullying.”

I’m not dismissing the importance of grammar. Of course grammar matters. I make a living based on this credo, so you won’t get any argument from me. (Case in point: I hate that many, many question marks are missing in the aforementioned Google searches.)

However, I think this little demonstration proves that inclusiveness also matters. Just by substituting the word “we” in place of “I,” by thinking of us all as a single force working together, our focus changes from personal hygiene to saving the world.

The two are not mutually exclusive. I recommend you strive for both wherever possible.

“Let’s eat, Grandma.” “Let’s eat Grandma.” Grammar may matter, but punctuation saves lives.